View full sizeRelease the hounds.
It's been pointed out before that Alabama Governor Robert
Simpsons character C. Montgomery Burns.
While I agree he has the look of Mr. Burns, I see his persona as more of a xenophobic Mr. Rogers, but I digress.
As Bentley delivered his
last night, not even mentioning the immigration bill he championed that is
the more people read it, I couldn't help but wonder how the speech would be different if given by Springfield's crotchety, 104-year-old (depending on the episode) billionaire.
Without further ado, here is the Alabama State of the State address, as it might be delivered by Charles Montgomery Burns:
Hello. Hello, is this modulation machine adjusted to the proper amplitude? Exxx-cellent.Greetings, Alabamians, this is C. Montgomery Burns, your all-powerful overlord and master… what's that Smithers? Yes, fine, your "governor."As I reflect on the state of your state, I can't help but remember the days of my youth, when the state's biggest export was cotton for gold miners' dungarees and "peanut butter" was its biggest technological innovation.Now, Alabama manufactures some the finest motor carriages this side of Deerborn with all sorts of modern dangly-whistles, whoosy-whatsits and "headlights."But there is still work to be done. We must attract new industries to Alabama.Therefore, I am pleased to announce that I am creating a generous bonus package for employers moving to Alabama and that I will take advantage of these new benefits when I open brand new nuclear power plants from Gulf Shores to Hazel Green, enslaving -- err, employing -- thousands of Alabamians under my lovingly generous iron fist. Thanks to a new agreement with a particularly troublesome union, I have agreed to release the hounds no more than once a week, an agreement I plan to honor, unless I’m really upset.Why continue to burn dark, dirty coal for electricity, when the solution to our energy problems are as simple as a few splits of an atom? Trust me, atoms are everywhere, you won’t miss a few. What’s that Smithers? Don’t try to tell me how nuclear power works. I’ll lock you back in that reactor core before you can scream for William Jennings Bryan, whom I defeated two out of three times in the Nebraska state whittling championships my senior year of high school.In addition to creating new “green” jobs, we must also reduce the size of state government. I will begin with the nuclear regulatory agencies who have the nerve to insinuate that my treatment of the workers is substandard and that their protection equipment is “inadequate” just because it predates nuclear power.Finally, I’ve come to understand that we have something of an immigration problem in this state. It is imperative that we handle this invading hoarde better than the Cherokee did. Therefore, I pledge to you that I will never hire another foreign hound on my staff. All of my vicious attack dogs will be born and bred right here in America.End communique.That is all. Go home.Smithers, release the American-born hounds.