Some days, it's not easy to find a reason to smile. But we're here to lighten the mood and put a smile on your face with the best funny jokes around! Share them with your friends, coworkers, and even your kids: You don't have to worry about these being clean. All of our favorite jokes are fit for kids and adults. In addition to the 125 jokes below, we've also got dad jokes, jokes for kiddos, mom jokes, and jokes for holidays that you can share them with the youngest person in the room (be sure to bookmark our April Fool's jokes for next year!)
Get ready: Some of what's to come is quite punny. Some might even make your eyes roll. But, deep down, if we are honest, who doesn't smile at corny jokes? Others might even make you laugh so hard you cry, so don't say we didn't warn you. Many are one-liners so you can remember them to share and share again, and your kids can retell them to their friends too, maybe even years later. Now get ready to make some memories filled with laughter with these 125 hilariously funny jokes!
- What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.
- I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
- I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
- What's a cat's favorite instrument? Purr-cussion.
- Why did the snail paint a giant S on his car? So when he drove by, people could say: “Look at that S car go!”
- What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
- What subject do cats like best in school? Hiss-tory.
- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He said his summer was pretty good too.
- My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.
- Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
- Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
- What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.
- I can always tell when someone is lying. I can tell when they're standing too.
- Some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine.
- What's the coolest element in the periodic table? Ber-yllium
- I used to be afraid of speed bumps. I'm trying to get over it.
- If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
- I don't recommend entering a wormhole. You might get stuck in the apple.
- The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
- Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fryday.
- Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
- I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.
- What do Keanu Reeves and baby Yoda have in common? They age at the same rate.
- Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.
- Why can't you make a dinosaur omelet? Because they're egg-stinct.
- Why do quarterbacks tell obvious jokes? So they don't go over their receivers' heads.
- Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? Because they got to bottom of the hill.
- How many goats does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but you have to goat them into it.
- What did one cupcake say to the other? You ain't see muffin yet.
- What is the best present? Broken drums! You can't beat them.
- Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.
- I made song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.
- Did you hear about the spatula's hot new flame? It met the grill of its dreams.
- Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines.
- What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
- Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.
- Did you hear about the pirate who became a great chef? He mastered the seven sea-sonings.
- What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
- When does a hippo have a tusk? After some rhino-plasty.
- What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
- I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
- I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
- Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
- What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.
- I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line.
- I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
- Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.
- What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!
- Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.
- What's an egg's favorite vacation spot? New Yolk City.
- I ate a sock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
- What kind of candy do astronauts like? Mars bars.
- I wanted to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
- What month is the shortest of the year? May, it only has three letters.
- What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeee!
- I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
- What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
- I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
- Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.
- What does a pig put on dry skin? Oinkment.
- What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
- My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
- Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.
- Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.
- What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner's on me.
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
- What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
- Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
- What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
- Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- How did the pig get to the hogspital? In a hambulance.
- I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
- Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because he had a great fall.
- What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
- Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.
- A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?"
- How does an octopus go into battle? Well-armed.
- What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.
- What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? A cocker-poodle boo.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? "Dill me in!"
- How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
- Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
- How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? Totally shocked.
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
- Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
- What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
- Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.
- How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
- What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
- What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
- What's the stinkiest planet? Poopiter.
- What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
- Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.
- What's black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.
- How do you organize a space party? You planet.
- Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
- Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
- What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I'll go on ahead.
- What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
- I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
- What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
- How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.
- Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
- What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
- Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
- I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.
- A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
- What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.
- What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
- What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
- Why was the coach yelling at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back.
Jill Gleeson is a travel journalist and memoirist based in the Appalachian Mountains of western Pennsylvania who has written for websites and publications including Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Country Living, Washingtonian, Gothamist, Canadian Traveller, and EDGE Media Network. Jill is the travel editor for Enchanted Living. Learn more about her journey at gleesonreboots.com.
