After a long 6 months of bushfires and COVID-19 outbreaks, Australians thought they had faced their fiercest battles of 2020, but the worst is yet to come.

Amidst heated trade negotiations with China putting strain on agriculture exports, dairy farmers across the country are shocked to learn that some consumers no longer want anything to do with cheese unless it’s titled with racial slurs.

In what has been labelled as the most un-Australian thing since Bunnings forced their sizzlers to put onion before sausage, Australians everywhere are furious that Canadian dairy company Saputo Inc. has decided to retire the COON® brand, named after American cheese pioneer Edward William Coon.

“Australia has lost its backbone ![sic]” posts white middle aged mum Michelle, “I grew up eating Red Skins and Chicos and I turned out alright!”

Social media users keen to show their investigative skills were quick to defend the name pointing out “It’s his name isn’t it? Why can’t the guy put his name on his own cheese?”

With politically correct snacks now off the menu, families are desperate for answers as to what processed sugars they can give to their children without fear of them growing up to be mindless social justice warriors.
“Without recognisable mascots such as an Indian or an old American farmer, how will my children identify with their food? I’d rather die than feed my kids faceless non-offensive garbage”

Long time fans of the brand have offered names they feel will resonate with the non-offensive requests of customers such as “Beta-Cuck Cheese” and “Hitler Cheese”.

Saputo Inc. have yet to comment on whether they will take these names into consideration.